Lessons from Daddy

These are my remarks from Daddy's memorial service/celebration of life. It was the best I could do, to try to honor him, with words. 

Daddy was a man of few words. And because he was so quiet, it was important to watch and to listen carefully, to learn his lessons. I’d like to talk about a few of his most important lessons, that I carry with me and try to use in my own life every day.

Lesson One: be kind.

Daddy never said an unkind word about other people, and he looked for the good in everyone. He always spoke kindly to our friends, and about our friends to us. One of the best examples of his kindness to others, is how Daddy was especially kind to my husband even before we got married – when he and I were still engaged and living in separate cities, Daddy would take him out to places like Woolworths to make sure he had everything he needed for graduate school. Daddy made sure that he felt welcome in the family from the very beginning, and I am so grateful for that. The lesson: be kind to others, always.

Lesson Two: be patient.

Daddy was endlessly patient, both in thought and in action. He thought everything through carefully and methodically, and then took action. He was always patient with us, and with other people too – I rarely heard him raise his voice toward anyone. Toward the end of his life, I was most struck by his patience with himself. He took his time to do what he could, to enjoy small pleasures like the Sudoku or the word puzzles in the newspaper, and to patiently accept help as needed. I am so grateful that we were able to help Daddy toward the end, the way he had helped us for so long. The lesson: take your time and be patient, with others, and with yourself.

Lesson Three: be yourself.

Daddy was always supportive and encouraging of the things we liked, even if they were a little silly or unusual. When we were little, if asked, he would always sing us a song goodnight. He would write out math problems on napkins for us to solve while we were waiting in restaurants. When I took up taekwondo in my 40s, he came to my black belt test. If something was interesting or meaningful to us, it was interesting and meaningful to him, and he would remember and ask about it. I am so grateful that the things that were important to me, were also important to Daddy. The lesson: be yourself, because that is the way to find happiness.

The most vital lesson of all: Make sure people have what they need.

Daddy was, most of all, a caretaker. In high school, if we were going out to lunch with friends, he would slip us some extra money. He would make sure the car was always full of gas. He paid endless tuition bills without blinking, and made sure we had the best educational opportunities. All kinds of things were magically taken care of in the background, without us having to worry about a single thing.

He continued to be that way when we all entered into adulthood. He made sure we knew how to get a good interest rate to buy our first houses, he changed light bulbs or bought a new toaster oven when he visited. All things large and small, he would see what was needed and would quietly help to take care of it.

And every year for the past twenty years or so, Daddy would send us an updated copy of what he called the “Death” letter – in one of our regular phone calls, he’d mention cheerfully, “I’m going to send you an updated Death letter!” “OK, thanks Daddy!” He was so practical. When the time came to finally actually dive into the Death letter, it contained everything we could possibly need for probating his estate and settling his affairs. He wanted to make absolutely sure that even after he was gone, he would still be taking care of all of us. Thanks, Daddy.

Daddy always ended every phone conversation with, “Do you need anything?” And even though I don’t really need anything, if I could ask for one thing now, it would be for one more opportunity to say, thank you, Daddy, for your lessons, and for everything.