I'm Fine

 Herself speaks.

I'm back in my corner of the southwest, after having traveled for my Daddy's memorial service/celebration of life.  It was a very nice event, but it was a Lot to process. It's slow-going, mentally.

The easy part was welcoming people to the service: my parents' old friends; Dad's colleagues and coworkers; relatives I hadn't seen for decades. So lovely to see you. Thank you all so much for being here. I'm so glad you could come. 

The hard part, apparently, was a week later when my primary care doctor -- who knew about the service because it came up while she was taking recent medical history -- asked me how I'm doing with Dad's death. 

That's a difficult question to answer. 

I'm fine, all things considered. But nothing is fine. I have new ongoing responsibilities, and there are things that happened in the last stages of Daddy's illness and around his death that I would like to forget but cannot, and Grief is constantly beside me and sits in the passenger seat of the car wherever I go and is oftentimes like Sisyphus' rock before me as I move through each day. 

The things I want: A reprieve from the sorrow. To have all weight lifted, just momentarily. To be enfolded in a way that makes me feel protected. To be cared for in a way that does not make me feel like I am a burden. Intangibles -- safety, warmth, tenderness. Peace. These are hard asks in Life. Will I find them? 

One day at a time.