Feed Thyself

Herself speaks.

I have not yet found my footing in this post-Daddy world. I have returned to my regular life, more or less, in that I have gone back to work and my usual activities. It's a little bit of auto-pilot; I know I haven't felt all the Feelings yet. That will take time. Though I am regularly reminded of a meme I saw on Facebook once, that commented: I underestimated how much car crying I would do as an adult. Indeed.

I have also added new obligations: Daddy entrusted certain tasks to me, having faith that I would carry on diligently and carefully in his absence, and it is my honor to do these last tasks for him now. I am his personal representative (executor) of his will, and I must ensure that all is handled properly and in an orderly fashion. I am also helping Mom with payment of bills and related issues, to make sure that she does not worry/have anxiety over financial matters. Daddy always took care of such things. It's my turn now. 

The one thing I am having a great deal of difficulty doing, is taking care of myself. Things like finding time to exercise; making sure there is an abundance of easy non-headache-inducing foods handy for me to eat; giving myself time to feel Feelings -- I am not doing these things well. I am not sure why it is so difficult. 

Perhaps it is the loss of one of the few people in my life who I consider to be a Caregiving soul, that is rendering it difficult for me to find the Caregiver within me at the moment, too. 

I tried harder this weekend. I used the treadmill both yesterday and today. I included some specific items in the grocery pick-up yesterday evening that I knew I could eat, and today, I made myself an egg salad sandwich (gluten free bread and safe salad dressing instead of mayonnaise) and had some berries, even though they were a little expensive since they are off season. 

One step at a time. Daddy would be proud of me for trying.