Existential Crisis

Herself speaks.

I have always tried very hard to be an optimistic and positive person. I want to like people, to trust them to behave in generally benevolent ways, to have a sense of "people are inherently good".  I try to behave accordingly, using those assumptions, so that I can be an example of a tiny positive force in the world. And sometimes it works. And I enjoy being helpful, being useful. It's good. 

The problem is, though, I am caught off guard by malignant intent (or even just generally shitty behavior) by other people. It surprises me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And I cannot respond quickly to other people's problematic behavior, because I simply do not have the imaginative capacity to foresee most Bad Things that might happen and how I could respond. It's like a larger-scale version of interacting with an individual I know well, who occasionally says things that leave me *speechless*. I don't know how to respond to what is said sometimes because I simply CANNOT IMAGINE that anyone would say such things.  

I just do not have the brain power or ability to understand why people do what they do. And I'm discouraged that some people may not be inherently good. 

I'm more discouraged, though, by the fact that I seem to be vulnerable to unpleasant people in the world.  Because I cannot imagine All The Bad Things, I no doubt have occasionally inadvertently put myself into the position of having people take advantage of my goodwill/kindness/general desire to be helpful. Truthfully, I am probably lucky that nothing really terrible has happened. That's a somewhat depressing thing to acknowledge. 

And this is why, despite everything, I don't feel safe liking people. Because deep down I know I shouldn't trust them, and I can't trust myself to know what to do when other people behave badly. And the fact that people make me distrust myself, makes me even more angry at them. 

Imagine what a community of trustworthy people would look like.

Wouldn't that be a wonderful place to be? 

To feel safe. A rarely mentioned, yet absolutely vital, part of happiness.

Weather-y

Holy cow!

It passed right by us, though. Just some thunder, lightning, and wind. Very weather-y. 

Slightly Squashed

"You are sitting on my body, which is also my face."

Awkward Yeti hits it home again

I love this. 

And I, for one, would welcome our alien overlords. 

Find more Awkward Yeti here: https://theawkwardyeti.com/

Nine Years

Facebook reminds us of Thorbert, from nine years ago today.

Good boy. 

Desert Walk

One step at a time. 

The Eldest Elder

Herself speaks.

The eldest Elder in my family tree -- my father's 97-year-old brother, Uncle S. -- passed away earlier this week.

Uncle S. was a dignified, kindly, and soft-spoken man, the sort of pure soul who doted on his wife and asked interesting questions of all the youngsters. He was quiet and patient and sweet. I have a photograph of him in his finery, serving as an usher at my wedding, with a shy smile on his face. He has always reminded me very much of my own Daddy. 

I haven't seen him for many years, but I have always thought of him whenever I use the cookbook that he and his wife, Aunt M., gave me as a wedding present many, many years ago. It's a good cookbook, wholesome and uncomplicated and comforting, just like Uncle S. and Aunt M. 

Godspeed to you, Uncle S. You were a good man, and had a full life, and were much loved. Rest in peace. 

I... what?!

 This... is so very weird. Yet hilarious. And probably quite useful.

Thank you, Facebook ads!

Soothing

 Today's earworm: A Dream of Breathing  (John Danley).

Music to rock tribbles to sleep. Lovely.

I hope you enjoy. 

All the Tribbles

 Herself speaks.

One of the hardest parts about middle age, is the abundance of small heartaches that have accumulated over time. Like a slow-growing group of tribbles, they appear here and there. We become used to their presence, and we go about our business, watching them out of the corners of our eyes. Every now and then, though, we open an overhead compartment and are besieged by an abundance of tribbles. We suspected they were collecting in number, yet we could not help ourselves -- we looked behind that door to see if they really were there. And yes. Yes, they were. 

Last night as I drove home from work in the waning twilight, I was visited by an armful of tribbles.

There is that large, heavy tribble, that looks like: Beloved Husband's job is wearing him down in ways I am powerless to change, and he has so little time for things that bring happiness. 

There is the quiet background tribble of: my elderly relatives are increasingly ancient and frail and we can see  inescapable Mourning on the horizon.

There is the omnipresent tribble, which I do my best to ignore because I cannot alter its existence: my Cherished Friend is far from this desert land.

There is a small flock of sibling tribbles that appear unexpectedly to tug at the heart: here are reminders of Tiny Dog and my other well-loved pets that have Gone Beyond.

All these tribbles exist in conjunction with many other tiny tribbles of unknown provenance, many of which are ill-defined but nevertheless form part of the tribble flock. 

I cannot change the tribbles. I have to acknowledge their presence. And learn to embrace them as part of How Life Is. 

My new goal: to find tribbles of Joy that will coexist with the tribbles of Sorrow. Together, they will form a beautiful panoply of understanding.  

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.... When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 

- Kahlil Gibran

Doun

 I hadn't heard this song for a long time, but it popped in to my head today, and now I must listen to it on repeat.

I'm A'Doun For Lack O'Johnnie (Vanessa-Mae). 

It's that violin note at 3:01, that strikes the soul. 

Lovely. 

Smudge, One Year Later

ACHOO

Allergy season, at its finest. 

Disappointment

 Herself speaks.

The Project that I undertake periodically -- one that is close to my heart, a labor of love -- has been a Disappointment this year. There are a number of factors involved, and it's not easy to explain. Although I usually find the Project reinvigorating, is just making me tired right now. I have tried my hardest. That is all I can do.

I am really tired of Being Tired. The past two years have been so Hard. 

It will get better, someday. I just wish I knew when, and how.

At least at this point in time, there is new Orville Peck to sustain me. Today's earworm: Let Me Drown.  

The way he moves, the fringe of his mask, and his voice: so soothing. Thank you, Orville.

Dew

And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

- Kahlil Gibran

Not Yet

No, Amazon. I am not ready. 

New Old Dog Flashback

I do miss him, with his little bow tie and his silly sliver of tongue showing. 

Hexie Mountains

 More new Orville Peck! Today's earworm: Hexie Mountains. 

His voice is so smoooooooooooooooooooooth. 

I hope you enjoy.

 

REALLY Inappropriate Current Event Humor

 Oh, dear. 

Fronds

 New tactic: giving the bunnies an indoor/outdoor carpet that can be vacuumed or hosed down (instead of the exercise mats) for the floor in their bins. The mats were becoming problematic, because the buns like to pick at the edges and destroy the mats. Tiny pieces of mat everywhere. Ugh. So easy-care carpet it is!

Everything looks cleaner without the mat bits. Plus the pattern of the carpets hides stray hay pieces and shed fur. So far, so good!