Herself speaks.
I had the opportunity to serve as a personal reference for someone yesterday. (I may have been listed before, but this is the first time I'd ever been called to verify the reference.) It was an interesting experience. The questions were fairly standard: where did you meet and in what context, how long have you known one another, does the person use drugs, or drink to excess, has the person been arrested? Nothing unusual there.
There were a few more open-ended questions, too -- along the lines of "what is this person like?" And as I contemplated the answer, I was reminded of a short article I'd seen on Facebook. It talked about how people sometimes describe themselves in terms of others: e.g., "I'm helpful". And the point was made that we are more than merely the sum of "things we can do for others". That is: even with no one else present, we still have merit as human beings -- our worth and value comes from our intrinsic characteristics.
And so, in describing the person for whom I was providing a reference, I focused on the qualities of their character -- intelligence, for starters -- rather than anything in relation to others. It was a different way of looking at someone; yet, I think, a more objective and accurate one.
How do you describe yourself? Not in relation to others, but purely as you exist?
Think about it. It's harder than you might think to do.
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1 year ago
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It is harder than we pretend, I think. I mean, I know when I have had to write personal statements just how hard it is to describe myself. But, when we ask others to describe themselves, I am not sure we appreciate just how challenging that is. In a volunteer project, I am working with some boys in a group home. They are often brutal with each other - it is almost entirely posturing because as I have gotten to know them over the past few months, I know them to be sweet, tender, hurt boys. So I have wanted to work on the way they treat each other - and how they see each other. I started with how they would like others to see them... what characteristics do you want to stand out? And they were at a loss for positive qualities. They could list off a lot of negative things they have done and tried to ascribe those to qualities in themselves. But they floundered with how to say nice things about themselves. As always, they taught me another lesson - when folks are being hard on others, it is generally because they are being hard on themselves. Not a new lesson, but a great reminder
ReplyDeleteWhat a great way to describe it -- I am going to have to bear in mind that people who are hard on others are also hard on themselves. <3 Thank you for this lovely reminder.
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