Unsurprisingly, I have fallen into a metaphorical pit. It is the pit of "prioritizing others' needs and wants over my own all the time" -- a habit that is so ingrained that at this point, it takes conscious and concerted effort to overcome.
Part of the problem has been the wretched cold I have had. It's been 10 days since I first felt that phlegmy, scratchy-tonsil sensation that let me know I was in for a germ-fest; I'm finally feeling better, thank goodness. Now, though, I am becoming aware of all the things I put onto the back burner while I was a festering fomite -- laundry, vacuuming, organizing. Not to mention, the things that would be most useful/enjoyable for me: exercising, planning non-work activities I will enjoy such as cooking new things or going for a walk or reading a book.
The other difficulty has been that each of the Offspring is struggling a little bit right now -- nothing earth-shattering or life-threatening, but small worries here and there. I'm doing my best to be encouraging and supportive, and I know they will all make it through their individual concerns. Still, I feel almost afraid to focus on myself, because that would mean I was not concentrating my thoughts and mental energy on helping them.
(As if, somehow, my pausing the activity of mentally willing things to go well for them would somehow cause things *not* to go well. Lord knows I don't have that amount of control over anything. Even my own things.)
The truth is:
I have needs.
I am not meeting them.
I cannot help, nurture, protect those around me all the time, if I do not tend to myself as well.
I need to learn how.
I don't even know where to start.
One step at a time.
Cup found here:
https://confettistyle.com/you-can-pour-from-an-empty-cup/
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standing with you on this... wishing you peace. I am trying these things: SLEEP, time away (completely alone time - I know this is hard), prioritizing my steps because it forces me out ALONE to walk, and talking to my friends about it. The last one seems so simple, but it has been the hardest, and often the most useful - ultimately. I hate to ask for help, I hate to complain about things I cannot change, but I need to externalize the crap or it tangles me up inside. My friends don't have the answers, and that is also hard, because I would like an answer. But they care about me and want me to feel better. They encourage me to take care of myself because I need the encouragement and the permission. Blessings to you!
ReplyDelete<3 I am glad your friends are a source of comfort and support. Asking for help is the hardest thing, but can bring such relief. Peace to you as well. Thinking of you.
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