Be Your Own Tree

Herself speaks.

I correspond with a lovely, smart, warm-hearted woman with whom I attended high school.  We had lost touch over the years, but thanks to the miracles of social media, have now reconnected. I am glad. We write about serious matters, and lighthearted matters, and things in between, too.

This lovely woman wrote briefly to me recently about what she termed her worst fear -- to "end up alone."  Oh, my friend. What can I say to ease your fear?

Let's talk about being Alone.

What does Alone truly mean? Who is Alone? If one has friends, is one Alone? What about a spouse? Children? Coworkers, or co-volunteers? Fellow churchgoers, book club members, neighbors with whom one chats while out walking the dog? What if you have all of these Others? And what if there are none of these Others?

This is what I believe:  regardless of how many Others with whom we surround ourselves, we are, nevertheless, each and every one:  all Alone.

We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. ― Hunter S. Thompson,

Even a spouse -- often held up by our society as the be-all-and-end-all of relationship goals -- does not change the fact that each half of a married couple is in fact a single, solitary person.  And it is best that way.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
.....
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
.....
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

- Kahlil Gibran, "On Marriage," from The Prophet

I say again:

We are all Alone.

This is a wondrous thing, indeed.  

We cannot fear what already is. 

Knowing that Alone is the perennial state of each an every human being, we can give up the search for The One who will banish Alone-ness for us, for such another does not exist. What we can do instead is to reach out and find those with whom we are comfortable and in whom we find comfort. Those with whom we can laugh, and cry, and just Sit And Be. Those from whom we are apart, and yet with whom we can be Together.

Blessed are we when we find such Others -- a friend, a lover, a spouse, an anam cara, whose Alone-ness intersects with ours. Through them, our journey on this small blue planet is brighter. And in our solitude, the memories, thoughts, and companionship of such Others can carry us through as we move on the path, Alone and together.  

I do not know if this is at all a comfort.  Know, though, my friend, that I am here, and Alone, together with you.