Equality

When Herself was a small girl, she and her lovely younger sister would oftentimes receive the same gifts for holidays -- they would get identical stuffed rabbits for Easter, or the same type of doll for Christmas (although Herself's was brunette and her sister's was blond, just as they are). One year there were very nice stuffed toy bears, with the only difference being the red collar on Herself's bear and the pink bow on Sister's bear. She seems to remember some kind of reasoning along the lines of, "so you don't fight over toys."  Herself doesn't remember fighting over toys with Sister, although perhaps that was because they did in fact have such similar toys. Their brother received different toys - but that must have been due to a boy/girl dividing line, such as the line that indicated in their teen years that Brother must, but Herself was not allowed to, mow the lawn.  She doesn't remember fighting over toys with Brother, either.
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When Herself was in grade school, she remembers not being invited to a particular girl's birthday party. Her Mother's suggestion was to similarly not invite that girl to Herself's own birthday party. Herself wanted to invite the girl anyway.  She can't remember how that particular situation was resolved, even though she does remember the "tit for tat" advice.
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When Herself was a young woman, navigating the difficulties of a long-distance relationship with then-boyfriend-later-to-be-Beloved Husband, they planned out their quarterly visits with one another significantly in advance.  The plan in the first year was for him to make the summer trip, and then for Herself to travel to see him for fall and winter trips, so that he could attend the spring formal with her. Herself's Mother had serious misgivings about the arrangement of the trips because Herself was traveling twice in a row, even though over the course of the year both she and to-be-Beloved Husband would both make two trips.  Her recollection was that Mother believed strongly that there was a significant lack of parity in the plan. Nevertheless, Herself and to-be-Beloved Husband carried out the trips as they planned.  Over a quarter of a century later, it seems that all worked out well despite Mother's misgivings about inequality.
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For some people, equality is paramount:  if I do this for you, you must do that for me. If I give you a gift worth X dollars for Christmas, you should provide a gift for me worth X dollars. If I spend a certain amount per person for this wedding reception, each person should give a gift worth that same amount. Distance traveled, and number of trips, should be equal between two people. Everyone should get the same thing. One hand washes the other.

To a certain extent, Herself understands the theory behind this mindset. It's important not to take advantage of other people, nor to let other people take advantage of you, and keeping tabs on parity helps to assess situations and relationships.

On the other hand, though, every person is singular, both in temperament and in situation. One sibling may prefer stuffed animals, and another may enjoy dolls more. A teen who depends heavily on music to move through the world, may need higher quality earphones than another teen who only uses them occasionally. One friend may have more time and energy to travel farther than another for a meet-up. Things will never be exactly equal.

Differences are part and parcel of life. The Golden Rule is not "do unto others only exactly insofar as they do unto you."  To require parity in uneven situations is a disservice to everyone involved.  More dangerously, though, a rigid insistence on equality results in attachment of Strings to every act. As we wrote before, in exchanges with other individuals, one should never expect any particular return. With no strings, one need not keep a running calculation of who owes what to whom; with no strings, one is free to be grateful for all of the little things.

And so, we do what we do, not out of expectation of a particular return, but with attention to each individual in accordance with their unique needs, wants, and abilities. This is our Golden Rule.

There are those who give little of the much which they have -- and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.
There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;
And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving.
And is there aught you would withhold?
All you have shall some day be given;
Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights, is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.
And what desert greater shall there be, than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?
And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?
See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.
For in truth it is life that gives unto life while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

And you receivers... and you are all receivers... assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.
Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;
For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the freehearted earth for mother, and God for father.

- Kahlil Gibran, "On Giving," The Prophet