It was a moment Herself had anticipated -- and dreaded just a bit, for it was the first time she had been deliberately out in the sun since her diagnosis of skin cancer. Though she had not brought her sunhat, she did have on an SPF 15 sunscreen that she now wears on a daily basis. With the addition of an application of a much higher SPF sunscreen (she has taken to carrying some wherever she goes), she was set. All things considered, she was physically and mentally comfortable being in the sun. It was a small personal success -- a tiny metaphorical hill that she had needed to climb, and she did so.
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Friday, Herself had a short e-mail exchange with a friend. The friend sends out periodic updates regarding family happenings; it is always good to read what is going on with the friend and her family, especially since Herself's path has diverged from the friend and they do not see one another as often as they once did. Herself read the update about her friend's travels and holidays and responded with a short message, as she always tries to do, expressing her gladness that her friend had enjoyed her time with family and friends.
She was pleasantly surprised when the friend responded in turn a short time later, wishing Herself happy holidays and commenting that she hoped Herself was enjoying Offspring the First's time home from college. Herself continued the conversation by preparing another return message, indicating that she was enjoying Offspring the First's visit very much, and that they had enjoyed a bit of time in Big Bend.
Herself paused for a moment, and then added a sentence commenting that in Big Bend she had been in the sun for the first time since her skin cancer surgery a month ago, and that it went well. In deciding to include that information, Herself reasoned that because she and friend have shared stories of both worries and small triumphs in the past, this would be an appropriate time to mention the minor personal trial she's undergone recently and her success in learning to move past it. She sent the message.
Was Herself looking for some kind of validation? Show of concern? Expression of good will? In truth: yes. While Herself's skin cancer was not necessarily a Big Deal, it was not Nothing, either. Herself did not want a big fuss -- or even a medium fuss -- really, but just some kind of recognition that this slightly difficult occurrence in Herself's life had taken place.
She's not entirely sure what response she expected. She did not want fanfare or drama; exact language would not have been important. Merely some kind of simple, heartfelt "good for you for getting back out" or "hope all's well" would have sufficed. Just a few words of care.
What she did not expect, was silence.
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This is the second time she has met such a silence.
A week after her surgery, A friend had invited Herself to attend a women's gathering to view some handicrafts. Herself replied by e-mail that she would love to attend, but that she might be a bit late because she was having the stitches from her surgery removed earlier that day. Her purpose then in mentioning it then was twofold: first, to explain that she might not be timely to the event; and second, to give advance notice regarding the visible scar and any bandage, so that it would not be a surprise or an unwelcome focus of conversation in front of women she did not know.
There was no response then, either.
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Herself understands that the one friend was likely busy preparing for the gathering that day three weeks ago, and that the other friend was likely busy at work that day. Herself also realizes that sometimes messages are not opened right away, or are inadvertently deleted or somehow lost, or even, perhaps, not properly delivered. She knows that the word "cancer" can be a conversation-stopper, and that some individuals may not know what kinds of statements are appropriate when informed of a friend's experience with this particular disease. There are all kinds of reasons why neither friend said anything. Intellectually, Herself comprehends.
Nevertheless, and try as she might, she cannot truly understand why someone who had received such word would say nothing.
Perhaps it is because she has difficulty putting herself in others' shoes; she can think only of how she would have responded. It is clear that others would respond differently -- or not at all.
Perhaps she should just not have mentioned it. It might make others too uncomfortable. This might be one of those experiences that she should just process herself.
It is a mystery.
----
What Herself has learned from these silences, is to be even more thankful for those who were there for her, who are here for her now: those who look at her scar in person and here in the blog, those who neither make a fuss nor dismiss or ignore Herself's mentions of the experience, those who treat it all matter-of-factly as she is learning to do. She is ever so grateful for them. She will do her very best to return their thoughtful care, should they ever be in need. She would like them to know:
You are my blessings. Thank you.
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