Apologies

Caveat:  This entry is not a veiled suggestion that I, or Herself, feel a need for any form of apology right now.  We're content with our loved ones and harbor no grudges. We're just introspectively ruminating, as always. 

Let's talk about apologies.  When you have been wronged, what sort of apology is necessary for you? 

Here's an interesting quiz on apology 'languages,' by the fellow who generated The Five Love Languages.  It's a bit 'pop-culture' and a bit cliché, and it's not perfect, certainly -- there should be a 'none of the above' option for some of the scenarios.  Nevertheless, it can serve as a useful basis for evaluating situations. 

Herself and I have taken the quiz a few times, and on every occasion, the results have been essentially the same.  Our highest priority apology 'language' is the language of regret: we like to hear a simple "I'm sorry."  When the words are heartfelt and spoken with cognition of the problem, they are sufficient to put a situation onto the road towards making things right again.

Some situations understandably require more than a statement of regret.  For example, they may involve an offer for restitution, a request for forgiveness, and/or an acknowledgement of the specific error that was made.  Acknowledgement can, in fact, be particularly useful:  it demonstrates that an individual understands the reasons why the apology is needed.  At the same time, acknowledgment can be particularly tricky:  while it is one thing to express sorrow at having hurt another person, it's actually an entirely different thing to frankly admit to having made an error. Errors can be subjective, too; what one person finds to be a mistake, another person may feel to be correct.  A lot of walking the proverbial mile in another's shoes may be necessary. And sometimes, not everyone will be satisfied with the end result of an apology.  People are complicated. 

One of our very favorite articles on apologies is,  "How to say you're sorry: A refresher course" by Susan McCarthy in Salon.com.  It points out another essential facet of apology:  an apology should almost never contain the word, "if."  "I'm sorry if" is a half-hearted, sneaky apology, for it suggests that the problem lies with the wronged person, rather than the person who has committed the wrong.  In my opinion (shared by Herself) there should be no justifications, excuses, reservations or qualifiers attached to an apology.  That can be a lot to ask, we know.  We will expect the same of ourselves, though, when we inevitably need to apologize. 

We are human. We err. When that happens, the best we can do is to make amends with a forthright and humble apology.