Unexpected

Yesterday while she was traveling up to Carlsbad Caverns with Beloved Husband, Offspring the Second, and Cherished Friend, Herself quietly thought, I can't believe we're finally going on the Spider Cave tour. She had booked the tour over two months in advance (we checked the date of the confirmatory e-mail this morning as we prepared this post).  It had been a long time to wait, anticipating, for this adventure.  She had been weighed down heavily over the past several days by a lengthy series of disappointments, frustrations and annoyances that were remarkable for their multitude, variety and thoroughness, and was looking forward enormously to this chance to escape and to challenge herself.

As they approached the Caverns, there were a few drops of rain. She thought about the news story from a while back, when a visitor to the Caverns had been struck and killed by lightning. Poor man. The weather is so unpredictable sometimes. 

When they finally finally! met with the tour group, the tour guide announced gravely:  "I have some bad news, and some good news."  The bad news:  because of the weather conditions -- danger of lightning -- and the location of the entrance to Spider Cave, the tour had been canceled.  The good news:  they were offered the option of touring the Hall Of The White Giant (which, as you may recall, they visited previously) instead.

Alas.

I can't really describe how Herself felt.  It was a combination of frustration, helplessness, and disappointment she had not seen before.  Indignation. Anger. Self-pity.

She does not often choose things for herself.   Perhaps that is why it was so crushing:  she could not understand why the Universe had seen it fit to deny her the chance to do the tour that she had her heart set on doing - this one thing that she had deliberately, purposefully, carefully tried to arrange for herself. 

She knew it could not be helped.  Better safe than sorry, always. Still, knowing that did not make her feel any better.

They chose to revisit the White Giant.  She struggled for a long time to get into the proper frame of mind. Once she was reminded that she was in her Favorite Place, though, she was able to ratchet herself back downwards and compose herself better.  She did enjoy the tour. She loves the cool and the dark of the Cavern, the quiet sounds and the smell of the Cavern. Even though the mental challenge was not there -- she knew she could make it past all the obstacles -- the physical challenge was satisfying.  In the moments of exertion, she could forget all that weighed upon her for a little bit.  All was not lost. For that, she is grateful.

Late that evening, while she emptied out the cooler from the trip and cleaned the kitchen, she tried to shine the best mental light upon the day. Her Beloved Husband did take pictures of the trip - there were no pictures from the first visit to the White Giant - and it was nice to have photographic evidence of the experience. As long as she didn't think about how she actually looked in the pictures. Fat girl. Good thing you didn't get stuck in Matlock's Pinch.

She is still a tiny bit bitter today.  The events of yesterday have reminded her of the myriad little things that have bothered her of late.  Though she is normally a crier, she is beyond tears at this point. All she can do is shake her head and remain silent.

Most of her anger is directed at herself:  she has failed. Failed to adapt to unexpected changes; failed to comport herself with adequate self-control. Failed to have sufficient self-discipline to exercise and to eat right in order to be a properly sized person. Failed, in that she wanted something so badly that she was upset when it did not happen.  Failed, in that she has had wishes, hopes and expectations about things, situations, and people over which and over whom she has no control.

Failed, to be so wanting.

She reminds herself that she must remember:
I do not want what I cannot have.

At least, she has the time that she has spent in the Caverns.  That is hers to keep.