Unbowed

Two days ago, due to a convergence of several complex factors that had slowly multiplied or escalated over time, a critical moment was reached as Herself attempted to assimilate new information, procedures and goals into her regular mental processes.

She failed. It was too much to ask of her. It could not be done.

She was broken.

Two days later, like the Phoenix, she emerges from the ashes. She is bloodied but unbowed. She can take on this challenge, and will not let it beat her again. She will be stronger now.

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.
- Ernest Hemingway

Do What You Have To Do

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do

- Sarah McLachlan, Do What You Have To Do

Squash

The squash has no idea that soon it will be roasted and gutted, and its innards used as the main ingredient of a pie.

I do love to make pie.

Waiting

So much of our lives is spent in waiting.

Herself spends a great deal of time in waiting for her Beloved. It has always been this way.

In the beginning, they dated only a month before moving 2,000 miles away from one another. Then the waiting began. Waiting for the mail; waiting for a phone call; waiting three months, or more, for a visit. Waiting for a knock on the door. Waiting to travel for a visit. Waiting for the plane. Waiting at the airport. Waiting, waiting.

After over three years, they were married and together at last. Hallelujah! The waiting was over.

But, no. It was not.

She learned that there is waiting in marriage, too. Waiting for her Beloved to come home from work. Waiting for him to come home from business trips. Waiting for him to come home from board meetings, group meetings, meeting meetings. Waiting for him to finish big projects. Waiting for him to put away work for the evening. Waiting for him to rest so he can be awake when they spend time together. Waiting for him to find the time to spend with her.

Waiting for his undivided attention.

Waiting has taken on different forms over the years. When the Offspring were small, waiting was consumed by the physical labor of tiny children: diapering, carrying, reading, consoling, bathing, carrying again. Mercifully, this work required enough mental energy that she could avoid thinking about the time spent in waiting.

As the Offspring have grown, waiting has mutated into a much more difficult beast to tame. The Offspring have their interests, their friends, their activities. Oftentimes they do not require much from Herself, except for meals, laundry or transportation. Herself has far more time to think about the waiting as she waits.

Thinking is dangerous in the waiting game, for in it, there is remembering of how much she enjoys spending time with him, recalling of the difficulty of past waitings, and watching as the creeping loneliness grows.

Herself fills her time. She works. She makes muffins, she plays her piano. She listens to music. She peruses the internet. She writes. She tends to the Offspring and the pets. Yet, her longing for time with her Beloved is never far away.

She does her best to occupy her time, and mostly, she is successful. The taekwondo gym and her friends are an enormous solace. Yet, there come the moments when she must leave the gym and go home, knowing her Beloved is not yet there. The spectre of waiting again raises its ugly head, and the weight of the longing for his undivided attention is almost unbearable.

Her greatest frustration is that she cannot change the circumstances in which she finds herself. She knows that he works very hard, and has many obligations. She does not resent his work or his obligations - she is very proud of him for all that he does. She is saddened, though, because she knows that he cannot enlarge the portion of his time that he spends with her.

She hopes that one day, the work and obligation burdens that her Beloved carries will be smaller, and that her time with him will increase. She tries hard to enjoy and appreciate the time they do spend together. And in the meanwhile she waits, as patiently as she can.

If you have a moment to talk with her, to give her your undivided attention, or otherwise keep her company, it would benefit her enormously as she waits. A hug would comfort her, too.

She needs more help to get through the waiting than she will ever admit.

Hide and Seek

Today, we give thanks for those delightful souls who have helped us to emerge from our shells. Here, in the light and warmth of their friendship, we flourish. Our gratitude is without end.

You will be in our hearts always. There, you may hide and be safe.

Thank you.

Now let us play hide and seek. Should you hide in my heart it would not be difficult to find you. But should you hide behind your own shell, then it would be useless for anyone to seek you.

- Kahlil Gibran

Home, Again

Herself was corresponding with a classmate regarding the reunion, and had a few further words that she thought I might want to share with you.

She writes:

The one thing I took away from the whole weekend is that I am finally truly happy with myself and who I am now. I was reminded of why I value my Beloved so much and how much the Offspring mean to me. I am glad that I have found an occupation that allows me to help provide for the family and to give them the small extras that please them. I am delighted to be in this placid desert environment. I am absolutely thrilled that I have taken up tae kwon do, as it has not only given me physical and mental strength, but also has granted me a community of lovely people for whom I can make muffins and on whom I can rely. I have everything I could ever want.

We should all be so fortunate.

Not Free

You are free before the sun of the day, and free before the stars of the night;
And you are free when there is no sun and no moon and no star.
You are even free when you close your eyes upon all there is.
But you are a slave to him whom you love because you love him,
And a slave to him who loves you because he loves you.

- Kahlil Gibran

Home

My apologies for not updating sooner upon our arrival home from our travels. Herself brought some New England Yankee cold germs home with her, and between those, the catch-up in the household from being away, and work, there has been no time to write.

The trip had three distinct parts:

The day in the office was excellent. work was done, colleagues were seen, things were accomplished.

The high school reunion was everything Herself hoped it would be. Inspiring, reconnecting, satisfying. Strange at times, to be sure, but in a good way.

The quiet drive on Saturday morning took Herself past the old grade school, the house in which Herself grew up, the library she enjoyed as a child, the church where Herself married her Beloved, and the hospital where the first two Offspring were born.

So much was done, and yet there are no stories in particular to report. Herself was very pleased to have gone, and even more relieved to be back. The one thing I learned on the trip, she said, is that this spot here is my Home.

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the sport where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule.

- Frederick W. Robertson

Ready

Tomorrow morning, off we go, traveling 2,000+ miles for the high school reunion. We are almost ready; all that remains is packing of clothes. Well, that and figuring out which clothes to pack.

Herself spent a few hours this weekend working on updating her "in case of my untimely demise" letters, as she does every time she travels. Slightly superstitious by nature, she hopes that by preparing for the unthinkable, she can ward it off somehow.

She has always been a lover of words, and there are a few that she would like to leave for her most favorite people. Hard as it is to contemplate one's own death, knowing that one can say goodbye somehow is an odd comfort.

Should anything happen to either of us on the trip, we ask you to remember the following:

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

- Kahlil Gibran

When She Believes

Now, all of life
Is just passing the time
Until once again
Your eyes look into mine

- Ben Harper, When She Believes

Another Longing

Herself reports:

I had the opportunity to hold a four-week-old baby for a few minutes today. It was all too brief. I can still feel the echo of the child in my arms now, and cannot believe the visceral longing that has washed through me.

Alas. Children grow; time passes quickly; and moments, once lived, cannot be recaptured. The memories will resurface periodically and unexpectedly, though, at the sight of crocheted booties and with the feel of a tiny body pressed against a shoulder.

One Longing Fulfilled

Herself went out dancing with her Beloved on Friday night. She was delighted with such a rare pleasure. During the evening they also had the company of excellent and entertaining friends.

Simply marvelous.