Fault

One of Herself's greatest difficulties lies in assessing the emotions of other people.  While she can generally determine when someone is irritable, angry, or otherwise upset, she often lacks the understanding or the insight necessary to determine why.  She does not like to pry.  She knows that sometimes people do not wish to discuss the circumstances surrounding a bad mood, and she does not want to put another into the uncomfortable position of having to decline to discuss a matter.  Most often, though, Herself is afraid to ask. 

For reasons that I do not yet understand, Herself usually assumes that she is at fault -- that she has done something, or failed to do something, that has displeased or upset the other person, and that she is personally responsible for the resultant unhappiness in the other person. 

Her Beloved or her friends do not return a call or a text?  She assumes they are angry or annoyed with her.  A family member is displeased?  She wonders whether she has somehow inadvertently caused offense.  An acquaintance is distracted during a conversation?  She reconsiders all of her words and actions to see whether she has erred.

Intellectually, she knows that other people have their own thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and that nearly all of the time, they have absolutely no bearing on Herself.   On a more basic level, though, she worries about angering people.  She is afraid of the wrath of others.  She cannot assess the magnitude of potential blunders she may have made, and she cannot break free of uneasiness regarding her possible wrongdoing. Has she made an irreparable mistake?  And if she has - how will she survive the rejection by, and loss of, the other person?

Such a tremendous fear of abandonment.  I do not know its root, nor do I know why such trepidation seems to permeate her existence these days.  All that is certain is, she is far more fragile now than she reveals herself to be. 

Look after her, my intrepid readers.  She needs a bit of extra care.

Thank you.

Gratitudes, one

Tonight, I am particularly grateful to have a teacher whose patient and enlightening instruction inspires and motivates me to try my hardest, every day.  I am an incredibly fortunate student.  It is my fervent hope that one day I will be able to repay my teacher by passing on to others all that I have learned.

I have come to believe that a great teacher is a great artist and that there are as few as there are any other great artists. Teaching might even be the greatest of the arts since the medium is the human mind and spirit.
- John Steinbeck

Strange

Strange, the desire for certain pleasures is a part of my pain.
- Kahlil Gibran

Needy

Hold me.

Protection

Before Herself left to go on the five-day trip with Offspring the First, she was careful to prepare everything properly at home.  She washed every possible scrap of laundry, so that the menfolk -- her Beloved and Offspring the Second and Third -- would not have to do so during her absence.  She stocked the cupboards and refrigerator with easily prepared foods that would appeal to the menfolk.  She paid the bills that were pending.  She typed up instructions regarding care of all of the pets.  She reminded her Beloved as to the whereabouts of her will and of the envelope of letters to be distributed to her family and close friends in the event of her untimely demise.  She tidied up loose ends.

Finally, she compiled a list of phone numbers that Offspring the Second or Third, or possibly her Beloved, might require in the event of an emergency:  mother-in-law, Beloved's assistant at work, doctor, vet for the dogs, vet for the other small critters, a close family friend who would be available if needed.  And in an abundance of caution, she e-mailed the list of phone numbers to the family friend as well.

Excessive preparation?  Quite possibly.  Why?  The picture is becoming clear as Offspring the First's inevitable departure for college approaches.

Last night, Herself mentally prepared a list of mundane things Offspring the First will need for her dorm room.  Beyond the ordinary clothes, linens, lamps, computer, miniature fridge, and so forth, she will need a tool box (as Herself's father prepared for her when she went off to college); laundry supplies; a few cooking implements and snack food; and a first aid kit.

The first aid kit.  It makes Herself unimaginably sad.

Herself knows that she will be a minimum nine-hour drive away from Offspring the First.  It is incredibly far.  What if Offspring the First needs something?  What if she has a headache or a splinter?  What if she needs a band-aid?  Or what if it rains and she has no umbrella?  These are tiny things that Offspring the First will have to handle by herself from now onwards.  What if something harder to address happens?  In ordinary life, so many ordinary things can go wrong.  Herself wishes for a fleet of guardian angels to look after her beautiful, joyful, tender-hearted daughter.  Please, keep her from harm.  Prevent the evils of Humankind and the tragedies of the World from arriving upon her doorstep.  Look over her. Protect her.

 For Herself, the thought of being unable to assist the people who are so important to her, particularly if she is not nearby to help, is a fearsome, visceral horror.  She does all she can to ward off problems in advance.  Thus, the first aid kit for Offspring the first:  it is an "I am not with you but here is what will help you" kit.  Similarly, the emergency numbers list for the menfolk: it is, in effect, an "I am not with you but you can find help in these people" list.  

Herself understands that her loved ones, family and friends alike, are all smart, capable people, and are able to solve problems and enlist aid as required.  She knows that her presence is not really ever necessary; they manage perfectly well without her. Nevertheless, crouching in the darkest corners of Herself's psyche are bleak shadows from terrible moments in which she felt abandoned, alone, without help.  She would willingly make untold sacrifices to ensure such demons do not take up residence in the lives of her loved ones. 

Herself knows that she must conquer her demons.  Now that she recognizes them, she will be able to lay them to rest by embracing them with love and understanding.  Nevertheless, she assiduously erects barriers to prevent them from roosting elsewhere.  She does all she can to protect her loved ones.  She only hopes it will be enough. 

Maintenance

Today is the third day in a row that Herself has not needed to feed, clothe, or otherwise maintain anyone except for herself.  She keeps the few possessions she brought with her nicely organized in the small room she is utilizing this week.  She has washed a couple of items in the sink and hung them to dry.  She forages for comestibles when she feels like eating.  She goes to bed when she feels tired.  She need not share the computer with anyone. She works without interruption. She entertains herself. There are no pets clamoring for food or barking at passers-by.  It is quiet.

It's extremely pleasant, this temporarily simplified lifestyle. 

Much as Herself enjoys looking after other people, there are times when it wearies her.  So much laundry. So many meals.  The cleaning. The reassuring.  The shopping. The consoling.  The transporting.  So many little things, tangible and intangible, that everyone seems to want.  It is exhausting, always trying to anticipate and facilitate the meeting of their needs. There are many times when she wishes that just for a day -- nay, for even an hour-- someone would look after her. 

Unexpectedly, she gets her wish:  she looks after Herself. 

No Words

Herself speaks:

I had planned to write copious things while peacefully alone this week.   In particular, I had hoped to put together a small booklet of advice and helpful hints for Offspring the First for her foray into collegiate life.  Yet, not a word has been written.

The enormity of her leaving home weighs almost unbearably heavily.  My beautiful little girl, how can I protect you from all of the Evils of the world when you will be so far away?  I will not be here to make sure that you have your favorite foods to eat, a special blanket to keep you warm, a hug when you are sad or happy.  You will have to put on your own band-aids, make your way to unfamiliar places, ask for help from strangers.   You will stumble and fall, and have to pick yourself up and try again. 

I know you can succeed.  I have enormous, shining faith in you. 

Godspeed, child.  May the Universe bless you with stalwart friends and a clear, smooth path into the future.  Work hard, and believe in yourself.  You will go far.

I will always be here for you.