Benedictus

Herself speaks.
Quite serious again today.

We continue today to process the death by suicide of a young man of our acquaintance. Bits and pieces of information come to us slowly, filtered through a variety of people of varying closeness to the family of the young man. There was first word of a terrible note, implying that this last act was an act of rage. Later information softened the tone -- it was in fact a simple text, not a note, and it was, more than anything else, an ever so sad message. Heartrending.

While anger thus has no purchase on which to stand, sorrow and regret and and immense, encompassing anguish have descended and perched on every surface. No one knows what to do, what to say.

We cannot change what has happened. How do we lead forward the grieving? Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute, if necessary. Breathe. Let it wash over us. Breathe again. And those for whom it may help, we pray.
-----

FOR THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF A SUICIDE.
-- John O'Donohue, from To Bless the Space Between Us.

As you huddle around the torn silence,
Each by this lonely deed exiled
To a solitary confinement of soul,
May some small glow from what has been lost
Return like the kindness of candlelight.

As your eyes strain to sift
This sudden wall of dark
And no one can say why
In such a forsaken, secret way,
This death was sent for …
May one of the lovely hours
Of memory return
Like a field of ease
Among these gravelled days.

May the Angel of Wisdom
Enter this ruin of absence
And guide your minds
To receive this bitter chalice
So that you do not damage yourselves
By attending only at the hungry altar
Of regret and anger and guilt.

May you be given some inkling
That there could be something else at work
And that what to you now seems
Dark, destructive and forlorn,
Might be a destiny that looks different
From inside the eternal script.

May vision be granted to you
To see this with the eyes of providence.
May your loss become a sanctuary
Where new presence will dwell
To refine and enrich
The rest of your life
With courage and compassion.

And may your lost loved one
Enter into the beauty of eternal tranquility,
In that place where there is no more sorrow
Or separation or mourning or tears.

The Light of God

Herself speaks.
Quite serious today. 

Today, we bear witness to a grief that is not our own. It is a grief that is as terrible as grief can be.

May the God of all consolation and compassion,
have mercy on His child;
Mary, Mother of Sorrows, who knows a mother's anguish,
into your arms we place this child,
Please hold him close and comfort him.
This I pray, Amen.
-- adapted prayer of Fr. Brian Cavanaugh

Yesterday morning, we learned that a young man of our acquaintance took his own life.

I don't really have any words to express the pain that radiates outward from the gaping hole that has been rent in the fabric of the world.

In between the shock and the grief, there are questions. So many questions, and yet so few answers.

His parents: what do they do? How do they move forward? How do they even breathe, eat, continue to live? And what of his siblings? His extended family? His friends?

Do they blame themselves? Of course they do. Who would not? Yet it is not their fault -- no one truly knows what despair lives in another's heart.

Still, there will be those who will be cruel and question: how did you not know? Yet sometimes, the greater the inner pain, the more effort a person puts into hiding it from others. We each live within the fortresses of our own minds, and our walls can be unassailable.

There will be anger. Anger unsatisfied, for there is no relief in blaming those around the young man, or even blaming the young man himself. It is a blind, white hot rage, that ravages every thing and yet feeds the pain rather than burning it clean. When will it cease? 

There are unthinkable details to address: How to plan a funeral for someone we thought would outlive us? What to tell other people? Here in this Catholic community, there will be old-school whispers of mortal sin. God, in His infinite mercy, will surely reach out to the anguished soul who found this to be the only choice. Will humankind be as loving?
-----

Yesterday, I went grocery shopping. As I picked up a few special items for the Offspring, I thought about the mother of this young man, who will never again go into a store without seeing her son's preferred foods and feeling the pang of his loss. These are the mundane aspects of life that are now forever altered. Echoes of loss, everywhere, always.

We spoke with the Offspring briefly about what had happened -- the young man was their age, and it is important not only that they understand such pain happens to people we know, but also that they are reminded we are here for them, no matter how hopeless things seem. As if we could, somehow, protect them with words against the Darkness.

Darkness can be strong. The relief of Nothingness must be alluring. We cannot judge those who have chosen that path -- nor ourselves, for failing to notice as their steps along that path took them beyond our reach. People are mysteries, sometimes even to themselves.

How do we help those left behind in the wake of this terrible loss?

We can be present for those who grieve him. And we can speak his name, both now and in the future, and talk of him kindly and gently. For his ghost is here among us, and perhaps, by remembering him with love, he will finally be surrounded by the peace that eluded him in life.

Tiny Head Bear

Offspring the Third finds the bear very amusing, indeed. 

Dua

Herself speaks.

Tonight's earworm: New Rules, by Dua Lipa.

I like the video. What a lovely group of young women, and a charming portrayal of the power and strength of female friendship.

Because I am a thorough introvert with a mere handful of Important People, I cannot imagine having such a squad of good female friends upon whom I could rely. I find the idea appealing. I wonder if the reality would be beneficial, or exhausting?  I'll never know.

Nevertheless: this is a good song, with witty lyrics and a solid message. I hope you enjoy.

New Fleece for Old Dog

Because it is chilly. 

Share?

OH HELLO OFFSPRING THE SECOND: WE, TOO, ENJOY POPCORN. CARE TO SHARE?

Spurned

Herself speaks.

There was a small article in a regional paper today that might have passed unnoticed, but for the way it was phrased:  "Spurned dance sparks assault of man, woman." Apparently a man repeatedly approached a table of strangers, "trying to berate a woman into dancing with him." (Because berating someone to dance with you... works? What the hell, dude?)  After she repeatedly declined, and her brother stepped in to try to help, the man physically assaulted them.

"Spurned dance." Look at that phrase.

Why is it not "repeated harassment escalates to assault"? Why is the focus on the woman "spurning" the man, rather than on his egregious behavior?

This, People, is why women are so often conciliatory -- because they fear escalation. This woman most likely thought she was safe with a family member, yet she received escalation anyway.

The truth of the matter: women never feel safe. There are always men (yes, we know, Not All Men) who feel entitled to our attention, who feel they can dictate our behavior, who think badgering someone into compliance is an appropriate way to interact with another human being. Men who trample our wishes and our desires and our sense of security. Men who manipulate and make us uncomfortable and wear down our defenses until we acquiesce, because we are more afraid of what will happen if we do not agree than if we do agree. And even though Not All Men, we do not know what type of man any given stranger is. We err on the side of caution. Escalation can happen anywhere, at any time -- even when out with a sibling to enjoy some music at a local watering hole.

This is unacceptable. And we are done.

Stand strong, sisters. The time to be conciliatory has come to an end.

Image found here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shadow-boxing/201711/metoo-watershed-moment