Preemptive Strike

 Herself speaks.

The other day, I was (gently) called out in a way that made me think quite a bit. 

It was pointed out to me, that my holding on to and remembering the specific hurtful words of another person from a particular moment (let us call them 'Those Hurtful Words'), was in effect choosing to continue to inflict harm upon myself. 

Let's contemplate that for a little bit.

On the one hand: yes.  By continuing to recall Those Hurtful Words, I suppose I am revisiting the moment of pain of those words. Re-suffering. 

On the other hand: well, the initial moment of Those Hurtful Words, I did not fully grasp their impact. Rather like stubbing your toe -- there is that initial BONK OW, and numbness, and only later, when you try to walk on that toe, does it hurt, and only when you look at it, do you realize that it is bruised, and when you try to put tighter shoes on, do you realize it is swollen. The act of going through life using that toe just naturally calls to mind the initial incident. That's not a deliberate choosing to re-injure yourself. That's recognizing the level of injury that has been experienced. 

Also: there's a sense of injustice in Those Hurtful Words, particularly when an Utterer of such words does not even recall them fully. Does the person who flips you off while driving in traffic, remember fully the incident? Unlikely. They go about their business, having forgotten their annoyance entirely, and you are left feeling aggrieved. How is it that you are left unjustly wronged, and they have no memory of their role? How can they move through life so freely, after having wronged someone else? 

In the end, though, what good does recalling Those Hurtful Words serve?  Especially when we come to understand that Those Hurtful Words were nothing more than uttered frustration or self-protection or some other self-centered moment? 

I submit: recalling Those Hurtful Words is, ultimately, a shield. 

If I can hurt my own feelings by recalling Those Hurtful Words, I can protect myself from someone else doing so with those same Hurtful Words. I anticipate. I build up tolerance. 

Really, I am just trying to save myself from being stabbed by Those Hurtful Words again.

So if I recall them, or cannot let them go yet, it is because I am not ready to face the world again knowing that that kind of weapon is out there. I need to train myself first. 

Perhaps someday, I will be ready. Until then, though, I'm wearing shoes to protect my toes. I'm driving extra carefully and taking alternate routes to avoid the traffic. And I am recalling Those Hurtful Words. Until I am ready to let them go and step out into the world again.