Expected

Herself speaks.

I knew it would happen eventually, and it finally did:

I had a moment when my first reaction to something was, I really want to tell my Dad about this. And I had to pause, and contemplate the fact that he is No More, and that I can't tell him about this. Or anything else. Ever again.

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This past Monday, I received word through the grapevine that one of my mentors from my very first job out of professional school had passed away.  We'll call him Edward ("Ed"). Ed was, in many respects, a man cut from the same cloth as my Dad:  extremely smart, thoughtful, and dedicated to his profession. He was an excellent mentor, a gentleman, kind and full of lessons large and small that he imparted in his quiet way. 

When I heard that Ed had died, my very first reaction was to want to tell my Dad. Dad would understand that this was a great loss of a brilliant expert in the professional community; more than that, though, Dad would understand that this was a loss of a meaningful guide in my fledgling career, someone who gave me my first chance to be a True Professional Adult. He'd know what Ed had meant to me.

I wouldn't have to explain.

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The Dad-shaped hole in the world that my siblings and I keep falling into, persists. If anything, it seems bigger over time. Or perhaps not bigger, so much as it has fingers that stretch into every corner of every day.  When it was new, we could see it right in front ourselves, and it was easier to navigate.  Now that we have lived with it for a little while, every now and then we momentarily forget, and then we trip over its edges and fall right in again. 

I miss Daddy asking, "How are you?"

No one really asks any more, now that Daddy is gone.  

Maybe I'll just write Daddy a little note sometimes. 

Daddy. I heard Ed had passed away. He's with you now, wherever you are.  Keep an eye out for him -- I can't remember whether you two ever met, but I know you would like each other. You can talk about science-y things together, you would both enjoy that. Tell him I say hello.