Ambivalent

 Herself speaks.

I have a love/hate relationship with my role in most holidays. Especially birthdays. 

Birthdays are tricky. I do not like the birthday spotlight. And I don't know what to do with well-meaning and seemingly innocuous questions such as "what are you going to do for your birthday?" and "what did you get for your birthday?" Because oftentimes, the answer to either question is, "not much."

I don't necessarily want a big fiesta or to be showered with gifts; in fact, I would feel quite awkward under such circumstances. What I would like, though, is a bit of acknowledgment from my Important People: a sign that my presence in their lives is enough of a happy or comforting light to justify a token of recognition, that my successful completion of another journey around the sun warrants a moment of affirmation. That they saw something, and thought of me, and gave it to me to let me know they thought of me.

Like most people whose daily activities run under the radar, I occasionally feel underappreciated. It is balm to the soul to be acknowledged. 

This year, my ambivalence about my birthday was compounded by the presence of the Pandemic: could go nowhere, could see no one except those of my immediate household. My parents, brother, sister, Cherished Friend all hundreds and hundreds of miles away. My local extended in-law family, inaccessible because of risk. Made it even harder to feel celebratory. 

In the future, I suppose the best thing I can do is to make my own celebratory plans. I will have to work it such that it is not an Ask for something (because I do not like to Ask), but rather, an offer of something to do.  And so, on next August 8 (God willing), I will plan to do "XYZ" -- which will be something I enjoy doing -- and invite along my important people. Up to them if they want to join me. And I will purchase for myself something I would like but have not wanted to spend the money on, just because. 

I have a year to get used to the idea. That will hopefully be enough time.

We shall see. 

(New Old Dog reflects my current mood.)