Emotional Girls

Hermione sighed and laid down her quill.

"Well, obviously, she's feeling very sad, because of Cedric dying. Then I expect she's feeling confused because she liked Cedric and now she likes Harry, and she can't work out who she likes best.  Then she'll be feeling guilty, thinking it's an insult to Cedric's memory to be kissing Harry at all, and she'll be worrying about what everyone else might say about her if she starts going out with Harry.  And she probably can't work out what her feelings toward Harry are anyway, because he was the one who was with Cedric when Cedric died, so that's all very mixed up and painful.  Oh, and she's afraid she's going to be thrown off the Ravenclaw Quidditch team because she's been flying so badly."

A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode."

- J.K. Rowling, Order of The Phoenix

Sometimes Herself wonders what emotions are like for other people.

She knows and accepts that her feelings can be rather intense.  She has learned to ride their ebb and flow.  She considers them to be an asset; a strong sense of empathy helps her to understand -- and possibly be more able to help -- the people she encounters.  Unfortunately, though, there is no sliding scale of empathy; either she is either fully engaged, or she has shut out all feelings. For self-protection, "off" often seems to be the safest emotional position; it is, however, the most difficult tactic to use, since it stifles and denies her emotional core. Better to feel -- even pain -- than to be numb.

Sometimes Herself wonders whether the strength of her emotions is a gender-based characteristic.  Do other women feel as intensely? Perhaps they do. Herself doesn't know a sufficient number of women personally to make any kind of scientific assessment. She assumes, however, from her paltry experience that it is so. And as far as she can tell, too, men's emotions emerge very differently from women's.

Are male feelings as intense but just not as noticeable because men have been trained since they were wee little tykes to be stoic and silent and unemotional?  Or do men operate at a lower level of emotional intensity? We genuinely wonder. We do not know.

One thing we do know is that men on the whole do not deal well with the intense feelings of women.  The sight or sound of a woman in emotional distress, however mild, is oftentimes enough to send most men running for the hills. What is it about the emotions of women that is so very alarming for men?

Is the showing of female emotions an unseemly display of what must be suppressed in accordance with some mysterious Man Code? Do men perceive visible feelings as a disappointing lack of self-control by women? Does a woman's emotion make a man uncomfortable because he (thinks he) cannot, must not, allow his feelings the same freedom? Do men perceive a show of emotions as an unacceptable display of weakness?  Is it akin to seeing a wounded animal limp around on the savanna when there is a pride of lions nearby?

Do men more often, or more easily, resort to "off" as an emotional position and thereby not know what to do when someone's emotional switch is "on"?  Are strong emotions somehow seen as contagious, so that men avoid interaction with emotional individuals in order to avoid "catching" them?  Or do men worry that they have somehow caused the woman's distress, and are fearful that they will not be able to repair any damage they have caused? Does female emotion frustrate the inherent male desire to FIX things, since sometimes emotions are about things that cannot be fixed?

 Or is it all something else entirely that Herself, as a woman, will never be able to understand? We do not know.

Nevertheless, no matter how hard men try to stay away from situations in which a woman shows strong feelings, there are circumstances under which it may become unavoidable.  And so, behold, Men:  we have written instructions for you to take to survive encountering a woman's emotions.

Preface: generally speaking, unless there is blood, fire, flood, or active weaponry in the immediate vicinity, give the woman your full and undivided attention. Women will certainly understand if an imminent danger requires your heedfulness, but will be (further) wounded if you interrupt a moment when she is expressing her emotions to attend to less vital distractions. Note, too, that a few minutes of your complete attention will in all likelihood reduce the duration of an emotional storm.  Everyone wins there.

Now, the instructions:

First, acknowledge the existence of the feeling. "I can see you're really upset."  Name the feeling if you can -- "You sound really mad."  If you're wrong, she will correct you. "I'm not mad, I'm sad." (It's not likely that any initial misinterpretation of her emotion will create a further problem; under most circumstances, a woman will be grateful that you are communicating with her about her distress). Even if you do not understand the particular emotion or why it is happening at that moment, you can nevertheless legitimize it for the woman by verifying its presence. Many women have grown up hearing phrases such as, "You're overreacting" or "you shouldn't feel that way" (or "you should feel this way instead"). To affirm that her feelings are exist and are valid, whatever they may be, is tremendously empowering for a woman.

Second, provide words of reinforcement. Sometimes, a verbal statement akin to "it will be OK" is enough. Or put yourself in her shoes (I know, that's impossible -- but try) to show you understand what's bothering her:  "I'd be really angry about that too" or "that was a hurtful thing for [the person at whom she is annoyed] to say/do." If you are not sure how to be supportive, make a statement in a way that highlights the competence of the woman -- "you've got this" or "good for you for taking the higher road, that must have been difficult." If all else fails, "I'm here for you" will always be extremely helpful, as it will let her know she is not alone while she is distressed.  Knowing someone is there for her, and believes in her and encourages her, is again tremendously empowering.

An empowered woman is a brave woman.  She is a capable woman.  She has been comforted and given strength, and now she can move on to what needs to be done.

One caveat, above all:  do not attempt to provide solutions to any described problem unless you are specifically asked to do so.  Sometimes, it's not about the nail.  Truly.

This advice, when condensed, is brief enough to be scrawled upon a single sticky note to hang on the fridge among the dinosaur magnets, thusly:

1. Validate
2. Reassure
3. Do not fix.

That is all.  It's complex.  And yet simple.

One final piece of advice:  if all else fails -- or if she's upset beyond talking -- just hold her. Don't be afraid of tears; they don't last forever. And neither of you will melt.

Good luck, Men.  We know you can do this.