― Rita Mae Brown, Riding Shotgun
Indeed: it is so much simpler to love someone, so much easier to look after another, than to allow someone to do so in return. Why? What is it that makes one feel awkward, uncomfortable, or possibly frightened, by some displays of affection or care, even when it is clear that the intentions and actions emanate from a pure heart? Let us dissect the matter.
To do so, we must leave aside questions about strings attached to exchanges in relationships. We have discussed that topic before. If we brush away the strings, we can see more clearly that the roots of the issue here are at least twofold, and that they center upon nearly subconscious issues of control and safety.
In a relationship, it is the lover (in the sense of, "the one who loves") rather than the loved one, who has control. The lover feels, chooses, does. Acts with purpose. Gives. The loved one, in contrast, must await and accept. It is an anticipatory, open (though not necessarily passive) state: without control over the lover -- for who, in truth, can ever truly control another human being? -- the loved one can reach out and receive only what is freely offered. And therein lies the danger.
Should the lover cease (or decline) to act, the loved one will be deprived of that affection to which he or she is accustomed, or for which he or she hopes. The loved one depends upon, wants -- nay, needs -- that care. Its absence can rend a hole in the loved one's universe: the chasm of heartbreak. It may be a small, searing gap, or a dull, aching void. Look within the chasm, and you can see the dark shadows of despair, anger, unworthiness, and hopelessness. Abandonment. Why would anyone risk a wounding in such a manner? To be so vulnerable is unsafe. How can one protect oneself?
A realization: perhaps this is why Herself is a nurturer - for protection.
Nurturing is a particular kind of loving that involves careful and extensive thought: listening attentively, anticipating the loved one's needs, providing support in the manner that best suits the loved one's requirements and personality, being present when needed and appropriately fading into the background otherwise. Herself works assiduously to nurture her Important People, and looks after them in every way that she can. She certainly enjoys doing so; nurturing brings her joy and satisfaction.
Love begins with paying attention to others, with an act of gracious self-forgetting. This is the condition in which we grow. - John O'Donohue, Anam Cara
Nurturing is a deep green blanket of ivy that cloaks a protective wall, for even as it draws Herself nearer to her loved ones, it simultaneously closes them out. Nurturing is, in part, preemptive withdrawal: when Herself is focused on the needs of others, she can avoid her own desires; when she is busy giving, she can avoid receiving -- and even moreso, she can avoid the possibility that no one will offer to her that which she wants or needs. She is safe from the chasm that way, because she is in control.
If she can find her satisfaction solely in loving others, it will matter not whether others provide anything more to her. So she hopes. For despite everything -- and though she has loved ones with whom she is very close, and who she believes love her -- she is still, most of all, afraid of heartbreak.
Nevertheless, slow change is, as always, afoot in her soul. The roots of her nurturing ivy infiltrate her protective wall, and sunlight begins to highlight the chinks that have grown. The wall cannot hold indefinitely. When it crumbles, she will finally be brave enough to relinquish control, open her heart more, and allow loved ones to nurture her, too. That will be a good beginning.
When you learn to love and to let yourself be loved, you come home to the hearth of your own spirit. - John O'Donohue, Anam Cara
To do so, we must leave aside questions about strings attached to exchanges in relationships. We have discussed that topic before. If we brush away the strings, we can see more clearly that the roots of the issue here are at least twofold, and that they center upon nearly subconscious issues of control and safety.
In a relationship, it is the lover (in the sense of, "the one who loves") rather than the loved one, who has control. The lover feels, chooses, does. Acts with purpose. Gives. The loved one, in contrast, must await and accept. It is an anticipatory, open (though not necessarily passive) state: without control over the lover -- for who, in truth, can ever truly control another human being? -- the loved one can reach out and receive only what is freely offered. And therein lies the danger.
Should the lover cease (or decline) to act, the loved one will be deprived of that affection to which he or she is accustomed, or for which he or she hopes. The loved one depends upon, wants -- nay, needs -- that care. Its absence can rend a hole in the loved one's universe: the chasm of heartbreak. It may be a small, searing gap, or a dull, aching void. Look within the chasm, and you can see the dark shadows of despair, anger, unworthiness, and hopelessness. Abandonment. Why would anyone risk a wounding in such a manner? To be so vulnerable is unsafe. How can one protect oneself?
A realization: perhaps this is why Herself is a nurturer - for protection.
Nurturing is a particular kind of loving that involves careful and extensive thought: listening attentively, anticipating the loved one's needs, providing support in the manner that best suits the loved one's requirements and personality, being present when needed and appropriately fading into the background otherwise. Herself works assiduously to nurture her Important People, and looks after them in every way that she can. She certainly enjoys doing so; nurturing brings her joy and satisfaction.
Love begins with paying attention to others, with an act of gracious self-forgetting. This is the condition in which we grow. - John O'Donohue, Anam Cara
Nurturing is a deep green blanket of ivy that cloaks a protective wall, for even as it draws Herself nearer to her loved ones, it simultaneously closes them out. Nurturing is, in part, preemptive withdrawal: when Herself is focused on the needs of others, she can avoid her own desires; when she is busy giving, she can avoid receiving -- and even moreso, she can avoid the possibility that no one will offer to her that which she wants or needs. She is safe from the chasm that way, because she is in control.
If she can find her satisfaction solely in loving others, it will matter not whether others provide anything more to her. So she hopes. For despite everything -- and though she has loved ones with whom she is very close, and who she believes love her -- she is still, most of all, afraid of heartbreak.
Nevertheless, slow change is, as always, afoot in her soul. The roots of her nurturing ivy infiltrate her protective wall, and sunlight begins to highlight the chinks that have grown. The wall cannot hold indefinitely. When it crumbles, she will finally be brave enough to relinquish control, open her heart more, and allow loved ones to nurture her, too. That will be a good beginning.
When you learn to love and to let yourself be loved, you come home to the hearth of your own spirit. - John O'Donohue, Anam Cara
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You are a philosopher of love.
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