Freeing The Albatross

As a disembodied Ninja, I am blessedly free of the ravages that illness and time can inflict upon the body.

Not so, Herself.

She does not speak much of the several long years during which she battled a serious, but ultimately unknown, illness. The neurological impact of the condition was difficult: ataxia, paresthesias, difficulties with balance and coordination. Exercise? Impossible: even walking around the block, there was too much danger of falling. The coexistent gastrointestinal problems diminished even the most basic enjoyment of having a good meal, and the neurological pain made it difficult even to perform the beloved task of preparing baked goods – batter could not be stirred, bread could not be kneaded. Hives and raging itch compounded the discomfort, and she was literally uncomfortable within her own skin. What was the cause?

The neurologist investigated various diagnoses: was it multiple sclerosis? Acute intermittent porphyria? Lupus? Tests upon tests. MRIs, spinal tap, GI tract biopsy, seemingly gallons of blood given up in the hopes of identifying the problem, and ultimately finding a solution. Following each bout of illness, a few months’ reprieve, and they would wonder: was this the last of it? When will it return? Like waiting for the other shoe to drop, she listened carefully to her body, wondering if the sounds she heard were merely a quiet breeze, or the first winds of an uncontrollable hurricane.

Ultimately, there was no answer. Ever the scientist, however, she would yearn for a name for this disease. What was it? She and her Beloved took to calling it The Albatross. Hung around her neck, it was her burden to bear. Its shadow hung over her, every day.

Seven years have passed since the first terrible episode, and Herself has improved greatly and has gradually been able to resume her regular activities. Though her balance still suffers on occasion and she is unable to sleep on her left side because of lingering paresthesias, the amelioration has been steady, and the spectre of the illness no longer haunts her as it once did. In the meanwhile, however, other health issues have interwoven themselves. What is that thyroid nodule? Biopsy, benign, medicate. What is that mass appearing on the dental X-ray? Retention cysts in her sinuses, no treatment necessary… yet. A mundane hernia repair was necessary after paying the toll for carrying three successive nine-pound babies. Then there were the months of pain and misdiagnoses, culminating in an unnecessarily delayed, but ultimately correct, determination of a gallbladder gone bad and the blessed relief of cholecystectomy. And ordinary midlife woman woes – is she in danger of becoming anemic, cycling so heavily? Anesthesia, medical intervention; continued and increasing difficulty, finally requiring permanent surgical intervention.

With each twist of the medical path, she has found herself increasingly angered by the breakdown of the physical machinery yet again. Her efforts to nourish properly, to exercise, and to care for her body have been met with small betrayal after small betrayal. Rage and frustration.

When she first began tae kwon do, she did not know whether it even would be possible for her to participate fully, given her physical challenges. She needed to try, though. She wanted so very much to reclaim her physical territory, to control the body whose illnesses had been dictating her activities for so long. And despite the intermittent setbacks – a badly sprained ankle, one of the surgeries – she has persevered. She has tried. She used the elliptical trainer, or even walked, when she could not go to class. She tried again. She resumed class. She occasionally sparred. She tried more.

Now, there are even days when she forgets that each minute she spends on the mat is, in fact, a miracle. She has learned, too, that a setback is no longer an assault, but rather, a trial to overcome. She is hopeful, for the first time in ages. She has come so very far, and she knows at last that she has the willpower to meet the challenges she has faced, or may face in the future, whatever they may be.

She is finally free of her Albatross.

She celebrates her freedom with the challenge of a 5K race. She has never been a runner. She does not run quickly. But she now can run. She may have finally reached a point where a 5K run is within her grasp. Can she do it?

If she can – and even if she is the very last runner to cross the finish line – she wins.