Offspring

Despite the above title, I do not write much about The Offspring in particular. Rather, I write more about offspring in general, and the closing of a door.

Herself has been caught unawares by some feelings that she mistakenly thought would not be at issue at this point in her life, and I am helping her sort through them. The sorting may be brief, but must occur, and hopefully, will not be too painful.

Herself’s Offspring are aging at what sometimes seems to be a staggeringly quick pace: the first two are teenagers, and even the youngest has achieved double digits. After Offspring the third arrived, various conditions came together to notify Herself that for the sake of her health and for the needs of the present Offspring, he should, in fact, be the last-born child in the family. He is, and this family is complete. And yet, with the recent surgery that put an end to any possibility of Herself ever bearing another child, a small kernel of sorrow was found. I suspect that it had been there all along, but has been buried among the mundane aspects of everyday life.

Herself thinks back to some of the small horrors of the early years of child-raising: the difficulty of ascertaining exactly what, if anything, is wrong with a howling, pre-verbal person; the worry of being an infant’s only food source; the frustrating, nonstop activity of toddlerhood in which the child’s ability to locomote far exceeded any grain of his or her common sense; the late-night trips to the ER with a tiny someone roasting under a fever of 105. Mentally wandering through these difficult moments is enough to convince Herself that No More Children is a good thing; it’s not even necessary to reflect on the unique challenges of grade school, middle school, high school years of the Offspring.

And yet.

There is that tiny voice within Herself that recalls the simple pleasures of wearing an infant in the baby sling; of seeing the delight festooned all over a small face viewing some fascinating aspect of the world for the first time; of successfully bringing health, safety and happiness to a tiny human being. She is sad that there will be no more of those moments.

When Herself was in college, one goal she had for herself was to be a stay-at-home mother when her children were small. Circumstances did not provide this chance. While telecommuting has allowed Herself unusual flexibility, and while she is forever grateful for the freedoms it has allowed her, she nevertheless never had the opportunity she had once so strongly desired. She mourns this loss very quietly (yet I suspect quite deeply), as the opportunity will never come again.

And yet, again.

The Offspring are such beautiful souls, have so much potential, and bring such joy into the world, that she cannot contemplate the alternatives of “If things had been different…”. We are all shaped by each moment, and she and the Offspring would not be who they are today, had not circumstances unfolded as they did. So she must learn to accept that all has been done as well as possible -- and then she will be satisfied.

Eventually.