The dictionary indicates that the verb, “to help,” can be defined as follows: “to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist” (see dictionary.com, entry for help). Help can come from many sources, and in many forms.
What is the price of help? That is, what does it cost the one who receives help (the ‘helpee,’ as it were)? It depends very much on who is the helper in question.
Some individuals will assist primarily if they see an advantage to themselves – will the helpee then ‘owe’ the helper something in return? Sometimes these people show up as grudging helpers: they indicate quite clearly that assisting is an inconvenience but that they will help despite this cost to themselves. Thus, an obligation to the helper is born.
Some individuals will help because they see the moment as an opportunity to ‘correct’ a perceived deficiency in the helpee and show off their own knowledge in the helping arena. Does the helpee otherwise perform the requested task in a manner that the helper finds to be inferior, so that this is a chance for the helper to show the helpee the ‘right’ way to do something, while at the same time demonstrating superior ability?
Some individuals render aid in what appears to be an altruistic manner. Herself at first glance appears to fall into this category – she loves to help. Is there something she can do for you? Fetch you something to eat? Move furniture? Shuffle papers? Run an errand? Name it, and she will do everything in her power to make sure it gets done for you – and will be delighted to have accomplished it for you.
A closer examination, though, reveals that there is, in fact, an exchange behind Herself’s help. Understanding the exchange requires a look at Herself’s own attitude towards being a ‘helpee.’
Herself frequently says that she’d rather chew off her own leg than ask for help. She is doggedly independent, and for her, requesting assistance is tantamount confessing weakness. Herself also worries about encountering the first two types of helpers: she is extremely uncomfortable with ‘owing’ another, and she will be troubled by self-doubt whenever a helper suggests through words or actions that Herself’s methods are inferior. Add to that, her significant fear of encountering a non-helper – an individual who refuses to assist, either out of lack of concern or in an attempt to shame or force her into performing the requested task herself. As you can imagine, she rarely asks for help with anything.
For Herself, asking for help, or accepting an offer of help, is a confession and a dangerous exposure of the soul: it says, “I am vulnerable right now, and I trust you enough to hope that you will provide me with what I need without wounding me or requiring more of me in return.” When Herself assists another person, she bears in mind her own personal cost at asking for help, even though others may not feel as she does. Thus, the asking (or the accepting) by a helpee is already the first half of an exchange, as it has a price – and therefore, a value. It remains solely for the helper to uphold the second part of the transaction by providing the needed aid. No further obligation ensues.
Asking for help is a gift from the helpee to the helper. Accepting help is also a gift from the helpee to the helper. Neither should ever be taken lightly. It is a privilege to be entrusted with aiding another.
It is my honor to be of help to you.
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