Shallow and Deep

Herself speaks.

I confess that I am somewhat bothered by the general lack of depth of posts for the past month or so; with the preparations to ship both Offspring the Second and Offspring the Third off to college, and pressing tasks at work, and general states of clutter and distractedness, it has been somewhat difficult to find the time and energy to sit quietly and focus thoughts sufficiently to write longer and more meaningful posts. Alas. Perhaps, as we settle into the new routine that is the fall, matters will improve.

I confess, too, that there has been an issue dwelling in the depths, one of sufficient importance that light should be shed upon it. For to bring it to the surface will, I hope, ease its impact, and allow me to focus outward instead of inward.

The issue is difficult to put into words, because if precisely the correct words are not chosen, I run the risk of inadvertently accusing other people of a failure which is not, in fact, a fault of theirs in particular, but instead is a flaw that lies within me alone. Let me try these plain words:

I feel insufficiently nurtured.

How can this be? There are several people close to me who love me, and who would like nothing more than to see me happy and successful. And these people would, I think, not hesitate to help me if I told them that I were in dire distress and in need of assistance. This I know. And I do not point a finger at these important people and accuse them of being insufficiently nurturing -- not at all. They all do the very best they can for those they love and for themselves. Of this I am absolutely certain. They are good people.

Despite having these good people in my life, deep in my core there still slumbers a longing that may in fact encompass a Black Hole or a Bottomless Void. It is a primal need for nurturing, and this need is a tiny, fearsome beast, one that I fear may never be content.

The beast both craves and fears attention. It wants to be left alone: I will do it all myself! -- and it longs for companionship and assistance: help me.  It does not want to be a burden, or something to be scoffed at or scolded, and so it struggles along alone as best it can, not ever asking directly for any assistance.

I know it is there, and I am shamed by its presence.

Sometimes, it slumbers, and both it and I are at peace. Other times, it howls, and I must try to soothe it. I do the best I can to take care of it, but because it is a Black Hole/Bottomless Void, I cannot ever do enough. I endeavor to keep it content, and to rock it to sleep again. I resent it, and I pity it.

I wonder, sometimes, if my enjoyment of (and drive for) nurturing other people, is borne in part from the presence of this tiny beast in my heart.

Indeed.

Perhaps this acknowledgement of the existence of the creature will placate it. I hope so. I will continue to care for it, for it is my tiny beast. It needs love, as we all do. And perhaps, given more time, it and I will learn to dwell together in harmony in our solitude.

With hope.

Illustration: Ged and the Otak, from

A Wizard of Earthsea (Ursula K. LeGuin)

Found here: 

http://www.murrayewing.co.uk/mewsings/2016/02/27/a-wizard-of-earthsea-by-ursula-le-guin/

Divinyls

Herself speaks.

I might be a thoroughly middle-aged woman, but that doesn't mean I can't rock out to somewhat naughty classics.

Today's satisfactorily questionable song: Divinyls, I Touch Myself.

Enjoy.

Flashback: Scout

My father's boy scout knife, from about 70 years ago. Neat. 

Flooded

Hurricane Harvey has deeply wounded our home state. We watch the news, see the pictures, read the articles, and still cannot comprehend the enormity of the tragedy. 

"Do not attempt to escape floodwaters by going into your attic unless you have an axe to break through the roof."

"Alligators and fire ants in the floodwaters." 

Photos of highway signs hovering barely a foot over the water, with the highway itself many feet underwater. Elderly people being rescued from their homes by newscasters. Big rig drivers pulled from their flooding cabs. Strings of tweets pleading for help because 911 is overloaded and cannot be reached. Horrific.

And yet, we cannot fully despair -- for there are heroes among us, and in such dark times, we can still see the good of humanity.  

Bless them. Amen.

Photograph credit: David J. Phillip/AP

Found here: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/gallery/2017/aug/27/flooding-houston-hurricane-harvey-in-pictures

Bar Room

During the summer, Offspring the Second's school belongings lived in the area that is normally the wet bar in the family room. (It is an area of the house that is virtually never used; we did not miss the space once it was occupied by Things.) He has returned to Parts West now, and so, the bar is once more free.

All this empty space is rather lonely, emphasizing, as it does, the absence of Offspring the Second.

Good luck this year, our thoughtful, witty, intelligent young man. We miss you already, and will think of you often.

Hey Look

"There is a HAMSTER in there."

Fortune

Clearly, someone else's fortune accidentally ended up in my cookie.