Herself speaks.
I am tired of being fat.
-----
I did not do well in the "taking care of my diet" department in 2018. I would like to make excuses for myself:
it was a very difficult and stressful year is one of the most commonly-applied justifications inside my head. There is some truth to this -- I tend to eat my feelings, and there were a lot of feelings last year.
We all know that's not healthy behavior, though.
-----
When I look at myself in the mirror, I am angry at myself.
So weak, so self-indulgent, so lacking in willpower, so... gross. And I wonder whether other people judge me the same way. It seems ridiculous to be so self-conscious: when I see overweight people, I do not think these same things about them. (Apparently, inside my head the criticism is for me alone. Which is good, for I do not like to judge other people.)
-----
This morning, I stepped on the scale, and then wrote down the terrible number. And I found a tape measure, and recorded my measurements. Then I exercised, ate sensibly, and prepared some homemade soups for meals at work for the rest of the week. One day at a time -- it took me a while to get this overweight, so it will take a while to get back to where I would like to be.
I'm going to try hard. The key will be to figure out what to do with my feelings, besides try to squelch them with calories. Perhaps an unpublished diary will be the way to go. I do not know. We shall see.
*