It took me nearly 58 years, but I have finally (finally) learned... the Universe is not fair.
Oh, my naive younger self.
I grew up in an era of Girl Power! Girls can do anything! and Be whatever you want to be and If you just try a little harder, you will get the right grades/get into the right school/excel at work. Or even, the subtle and unspoken but nevertheless very clear message, if you try hard enough, if you look the right way and say the right things and don't ask for too much but give your all at the right time and in the right place and in the right ways, you will finally be understood and be loved the way you want to be loved.
If you failed at any task/job/mission, it was simply because you didn't do enough. Do more. Try more. Use more words. Put in more effort. Achieve more accomplishments. Keep going. Nothing but success. Don't mention not-successes. Those are a shame not to be disclosed.
I am proud but not surprised, people would say -- because as everyone kept telling you, it was possible to do anything and be whatever you wanted to be.
But: No. No, it is not.
I have tried my hardest. Done my best. But sometimes, things don't work out. Because Life is Not Fair.
The Universe is full of entropy, and occasional Badness, and full-on Nonsense at times. Sometimes despite careful deliberation, we make the wrong choices; or we make a seat-of-our-pants decision and then must tackle consequences we did not anticipate. We don't remember the multitude of times everything works out fine. We never forget the times things do not work out at all.
And there is the compounding problem of People: people are endlessly complex. People live in their own worlds. They don't always understand, or do what we would like them to do, or want what we want. We love people who live at a distance (ah, my Offspring, my family of origin, my Friend), and their absence from our daily lives creates a void that cannot be filled. Sometimes, people are hurtful -- whether through negligence, or deliberately. We need people, want people, love people; cannot bear too many people, have been harmed by people, disappointed by people. People. They are exhausting.
Perhaps I am lucky that it took me so long to lose my naivete -- for with naivete came optimism and hope, and those have carried me quite far.
Or perhaps, because I held on to my naivete so long, the pain of the emergent realization that Life is Unfair, is exceptionally Deep and Wide and Encompassing. I am struggling right now with the knowledge that I may never accomplish certain things, may never fulfill particular wants. And that's just How It Is.
The hope that remains, is that one day a greater Hope will come back to me again, and I will find my inner warmth once more. Life is Unfair, yes. But perhaps I can, through Grace, make it a little better where I am. That's the best I can do.
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