Tuesday, November 5, 2024

Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First

 Herself speaks.

Whoops, it's been a bit.

The other morning I was standing in the kitchen, trying to do the usual 500 things for various people, and I realized I hadn't taken my morning meds yet (thyroid, antihistamine, antidepressant). It took a moment to pause, but I purposefully prioritized myself for the 60 seconds it took to fetch my pills.  And as I did so, I was reminded of the admonition by flight attendants as they recite the safety rules on every aircraft: if the oxygen masks descend from the ceiling, put on your own mask first before helping others.

I can't do for others, if I don't do for myself first.

-----

It's been QUITE A LOT the past couple of weeks. First, there was Beloved Husband's 40th high school reunion, which was a series of events necessitating Getting Dressed Up And Being Social With Strangers over several days in a row (for which I valiantly put on my best Appropriate Outfits and Game Face). They are on the whole very lovely people, so it was just fine, though it was a whole lot of activities in a short period of time (I generally prefer to spread out my socializing). 

Next, was The Deluge: a little-used bathroom on the second floor of the house sprang a leak. There was Water. Lots of it. Nothing of tremendous value was lost, thank goodness, but the house is now partially gutted, both on the second floor and the first floor and in the garage, too. And I am gutted too, because I feel sad for my house, and there is work to be done, and repairs, and rearranging, and my poor house is in disarray and nothing is where it belongs and that is all somewhat terrible. 

Carpet gone, wall gone. Alas.

Insurance will pay for much of the repairs, thank goodness. But still. It is all a bit awful.

Then, I had to make a Duty Travel Trip. Not much to be said about that, except it took me away from home when I would have preferred to be at home with my injured house, and the trip itself was a bit stressful and lonely, and I would have loved nothing more than to have someone with me who could have firmly hugged the tension right out of me at the end of each day -- but alas, it was a solo journey, as so many of my journeys are, and so I soldiered on by myself, as usual. 

At least on the trip, I got to see some very lovely fall colors and shuffle through some leaves. Nice. 



And after my return, one of my much-loved and aloof rabbits has decided to look slightly... peaked. I am keeping a tight eye on him, lest he need to see the vet. I do not enjoy when my pets are ill. I do not have time to worry or to spend an entire day at the vet's office, fretting and calming a hysterical furball. Alas. 

Now we come today: election day here in the United States. I don't have much to say about that right now. I feel nauseated. When I voted early last week, I stood there in the voting booth with my ballot for a while just wanting to cry. Hope is hard to find. 

So that's what is transpiring, and why I have been missing in action here. I am putting one foot in front of the other, needing more than anything for someone to put their arms around me and tell me it will all be OK. 

One day at a time. 

Thursday, October 24, 2024

La Llorona

Today's earworm: La Llorona (Carmen Goett). 

It's almost Dia de los Muertos.

One of these years, I might set up an ofrenda.



Tuesday, October 22, 2024

Progress

I feel like I may not be accomplishing much these days, but at least I am continuing my Duolingo streak. Tres bien!


Saturday, October 19, 2024

Oh, Deer

It's deer season at the park! Lovely.

 

Friday, October 11, 2024

Belonging

Herself speaks.

Sometimes, I wonder what it is like to feel like one Belongs.

-----

I have never fully felt integrated into the Group. Any Group -- Classmates (from grade school through college, to professional school); fellow Campers at summer Camp; the Mom groups; Colleagues; other categorically-similar professionals (same gender/societal position - "Women Professional Blahblahs"); and so forth. For over twenty years, I worked in a profession that straddled fields -- as neither scientist nor true other-professional, I was neither one nor the other. And as a long-time telecommuter, I was nearly invisible on the whole for the entire time. 

As a transplant to this desert land, I have not been (nor will I ever be) a Native. I'm a non-Spanish-speaker in a population that is 80% Hispanic. I'm a woman disinterested in stereotypical 'girly' things -- makeup/nail art/wine/home decor -- that make for female small talk. Even online, I'm a bystander in the social groups. Forever peripheral. Sometimes, that's OK -- I'm an introvert in a sea of extroverts.  All the same, though, it means that I'm never fully part of the whole. I'm a hanger-on, an extra, someone who can be easily shed, who does not count. 

Communication: so difficult. I'm a person with a need for precise vocabulary usage, in a land of people who are annoyed by oddly-specific language choices. I try to say what I mean, and am forever stymied by people who talk around what they intend or insinuate secondary meaning where I cannot see it in their own words (or worse, where I do not intend it to be in mine). Forever needing to watch my word choice, to ensure my face is doing the right things and my tone is modulated, to ask reciprocal questions (I tend to forget to do so, because I am concentrating on All The Other Things). Who has time to settle in and Belong, when just Being in the Group is so much work? 

Imagine what it would be like, to be comfortable in a room full of people. To just feel that they like you, accept you for who you are, are glad you are there -- and not just because you can do something for them, but because of who you are as a person. 

Wouldn't that be lovely? 

Saturday, October 5, 2024

Heartrending Earworms

 Herself speaks.

I have this song stuck in my head. I need to listen to it, and yet it pains me: it's like an itch that must be scratched, even though it hurts.  Back At Your Door, Orville Peck and Debbii Dawson. It is unbearably sad. I cannot turn away. 

Have a listen. I am not sure you will enjoy, necessarily. But it will enrich your life. And perhaps, it will be stuck in your head, too, and then I will not have to suffer alone. 



Friday, October 4, 2024

Niche Interests

 Herself speaks.

Sometimes, the only thing to do after a long day of work, is to disassociate while scrolling through TikTok. (I know there are more fruitful things that could be done. But right now, I am allowing myself leeway to just... not think for a little while, when needed. And TikTok helps.) 

It's interesting, the way the algorithm picks what it thinks it should show next. I haven't quite figured it out yet. Most of it is predictable and in keeping with my interests and inclinations; my feed most often provides videos relating to animal rescue/LGBTQ+-support/science content/autism information/recreational vehicle tours. I also get a certain amount of Harry Potter content, although that is much less likely, now that I do not "like" or interact with those videos as often (I do not support the author, who has taken on her own Voldemort-like status, she-who-must-not-be-named, for her TERF attitudes and generally hostile and snarky social media content.)

Given my love of our favorite masked country singer Orville Peck, though, and a passing interest in the group Sleep Token (who have a song that is being heavily featured along with clips of Death Eaters at the Harry Potter Experience, and who are also masked), it seems inevitable that TikTok should drop me into what is apparently known as #MaskTok. 

MaskTok probably goes a lot farther (and more... MORE) than I've ended up -- like #BookTok, there are sections of TikTok that are much more R-Rated, feral and explicit and beyond what this unimaginative middle-aged woman can conjure. The corner that I have found is primarily a set of cosplayers from Call of Duty (COD), who make short videos in their cosplay costumes, occasionally hold live TikTok sessions in which they sit and banter with one another, and so forth.  

So now I've learned about Call of Duty. A game which I've never played. It's a weird topic for a person like me. But truth be told, I am so glad that I am interested in something, rather than absolutely nothing as I was for so long, that I'm allowing myself to sit and learn a little bit. 

The COD cosplay community on TikTok is surprisingly sweet. They all seem very supportive of one another; they've built a little community based on their love of cosplay, and post kind and thoughtful words back and forth to one another. Like all online communities, there does appear to be a bit of Drama here and there (though I haven't seen much), but overall, it's nice to witness. Like being in a room full of cheerful, supportive friends. I'll never be one of them, but I get to sit in the atmosphere of the room, and that's good enough for me. 

Most of the creators in the community require age-checks for interaction (MDNI - Minors Do Not Interact), which is wise since there's a certain amount of adult flirtation and Language.  For me, though, that is the moment when it's frankly horrifying to be such an Old Person online. I'm sure my presence/commentary is questionable at first, particularly because my TikTok name is gender neutral (though my gender is listed in my profile) -- who wants a 57-year old who-knows-what lurking with the youngsters in cosplay? I don't say or do much besides post an occasional supportive statement or 'like'; until I'm proven to be harmless, I don't want to come across as a creepy creeper. 

A side note: approximately 80% of the COD cosplayers I am currently following on TikTok, are women cosplaying as male COD characters. Nice. I really admire that, for reasons I can't quite parse. It seems like something I would do, though, if I were younger and a physical shape that could pull off a male cosplay. In my next lifetime, perhaps. 

And also, there's the masks. We know I like masked singers. We're extending that to masked people in general now. I find the fact that most of the videos focus on the creators' eye expressions, to be SO HELPFUL.  Learning what eyes say, and being able to look at eyes safely, is really an unexpected bonus of this corner TikTok. 

(This is a point when I wonder whether there's overlap between autism TikTok and MaskTok, because Great Learning Tools in both places. Things to Think About.)

At any rate, so that's where we are now. We'll see how long and how far it goes. I'm just glad that for now, something has captured my interest a tiny bit. Perhaps that's a sign that things are just a little bit better.

I'll take it.